1. Arkansas:

Last season for Arkansas was like the two "Babe" movies rolled into one. The first half of the season was like the first pig movie: pleasant, surprisingly cozy, and heart-warming; generally filled with joy and excitement. The second half of the year was like "Babe 2: Pig in the City" -- dark, depressing, foreboding, ultimately unsatisfying and really sort of scary for small children. Tennessee was the great big frightening orangutan of destiny, depriving the poor little pig of its day in the sun (or rather, under the artificial lighting of the Dome). And Mississippi State was the creepily-aged Mickey Rooney of fate, thumbing its nose at the gallant pig and kicking a field goal that banished it from Atlanta for good. Before this metaphor gets stretched too thin, let's just sum up by saying that the Hogs have the best QB and receiver in the division, and can settle things early with a win over the singing mice of bama. That'll do, little pig. That'll do.

2. Ole Miss:

A lot of folks are predicting the Rebels will finish near the bottom of the division. But here it is: Ole Miss lost only six starters from last year's bowl-winning team and the Confederates have a favorable schedule ahead. Rebel fans may hate Tuberville now, but he didn't exactly leave the cupboard bare - lots of great young talent here. The Colonel may be dunking hoops and hawking "Pokemon" on television, but in the SEC West, he may very well surprise everyone with a high finish. Though we're still shocked to see him getting along so well with that "dawg" from Taco Bell.

3. Mississippi State:

How can we pick a team with 2 starters back on offense-neither of which is named James Johnson--to finish ahead of bama and LSU? As Austin Powers would say, if he were an American football fan (as opposed to the English variety, though Jackie would probably approve of it, too, since the ball usually stays on the ground), "Schedule, baby!! Yeah!!" Jackie "Dr. Evil" Sherrill has drawn up for his team the easiest schedule in the SEC by a long shot--no UF, UT or UGA, putting them instantly up by at least two games on every team in the West. With the potential SEC freshman of the year in RB Dontae "Mini-Me" Walker, a whole lot of lesser SEC teams will be calling MSU "the team that shagged me."

4. Bama:

Ooooooooooh... The chortling and evil cackling you hear now is from all the Auburn fans who have stood by and listened to holier-than-thou elements of the tide faithful belittling the Tigers for the last few months. Sort of like a guy laughing at the spot on your tie while his fly is wide open. Hmmm-that analogy was a little too accurate, wasn't it? Tide fans are, once again, learning the wisdom of the phrase oft bellowed by wrestlers at Boutwell Auditorium: "What comes around goes around!" As for the team-definitely a secondary story at this point, but we probably should address it-the QB controversy could soon match the coaching one in intensity. If the offense struggles, the backup QB will seem like Joe Namath reborn. Sean Alexander and a solid offensive line make this a productive offensive team. The defense lost its best player and wasn't that great last year. Bama got pasted in its bowl game by VA Tech and got lucky in wins over East Carolina (blocked extra point returned for 2 points) and Ole Miss (failed to convert inside 10 yard line). Bad kicking won't help either. And the impeachment of Bill DuBose-err, I mean the situation Coach DuBose had with Linda Tripp and Monica Lew-errr, well, anyway, the distractions could push this season from good to bad to awful very quickly.

5. LSU:

Some prognosticators have picked LSU to win the West. Just like last year, right? What team are they seeing? Booger and the rest of the cast of "Revenge of the Nerds" are gone, and defensive coordinator Lou "stand around and watch" Tepper is still there. Tepper, pioneer of the experimental "sieve" defense, has considered issuing flashlights to his defensive backs so that they can more easily usher opposing players into the end zone. Josh "Shake yer" Booty is a large question mark at QB and Kevin Faulk currently resides in Foxboro, Mass. The only "Magic" we're seeing lately is that stupid dog in the Old Navy commercials. Another odd thing about LSU: their band loves to play "Hold That Tiger," which seems about like the Kentucky band playing "Crush that Wildcat." But to each his own.

6. Auburn:

Painful. Painful to have to rank the Tigers so low. Painful to have to play all three top teams in the SEC East. Painful to have to start the year by getting crushed on national TV in Tallahass-oh, yeah, we did manage to take care of that one little situation, didn't we? Sort of like when Captain Kirk reprogrammed the simulator in Star Trek II to avoid the "no win scenario." Points for originality, anyway... But the Tigers will still find themselves trapped in the metaphorical "Genesis planet," bellowing a futile "KHAAAAAN!" at the sky, as one team after the other takes out its frustrations on them. Rumor has it that Tuberville has already revamped the AU offensive playbook, removing that one play where the Tiger QB casually tossed the ball in midair to an opposing DB or linebacker on the first play from scrimmage each week. We never quite knew where Terry was trying to go with that clever plan... The defense will be solid but the offense will be trying the new scheme of an all-fullback and tight-end attack. Give Tuberville a few years to restore the talent base, but until then, Mr. Sulu, raise the shields and hang on tight.

SEC EAST

1. Florida:

Okay, the Tennessee faithful are surely having conniption fits because we picked them, defending national champs that they are, to finish behind Steve Spurrier's Jurassic Smirk in the East. Much like last year's financially disastrous "Godzilla" movie, the '98 Gators emerged from the primordial ooze with the intention of wreaking havoc on the landscape, only to find that they didn't quite get the "thumbs up" from Siskel & Ebert and came up a bit short at the box office. But take note, UT-- the quality in question isn't your talent, it's your schedule, and let's face facts-- Florida's is favorable. The Vols have to go to the Swamp this year, and... think of that scene in Jurassic Park when Wayne "Newman from Seinfeld" Knight runs his jeep off the road and finds himself face to face with the reptiles. Remember the look on his face? That's the look UT Martin will be making when he takes the snap in Gainesville. Now, sure, the best parts of the Gator defense are currently in the NFL or in Norman, Oklahoma, but still, the Lost World can post 30 on anyone, and that'll get them through most games, including the UT one.

2. Tennessee:

How in the world did this team go 13-0 last year? Okay, fine, they did it the old fashioned way, with gritty defense and opportunistic offense. They looked remarkably like the '92 bama team in the process, escaping with narrow wins over inferior teams and then pulling out the big win over a team from the state of Florida in the national championship game. It was eerily similar, somehow... with the exception that this team won't come apart at the seams like the '93 tide. Tee's back, still dueling Quincy Carter for top QB in the East (Hey, Coach Spurriquarterbackmaker-why no Gator QB atop that list?) and yes, yes, we know Jamal the Vol is healthy again. But UT must visit the Lost World, travel to Tuscaloosa, and root in the mud with the Hogs--not to mention a certain Irish incursion into Neyland. At least one of those will be a loss. And the Vols have slipped up in the face of less impressive Notre Dame teams before. The verdict: UT finishes second and plays somewhere in the BCS on New Year's Day.

3: Georgia:

Poor UGA. They've never played in the SEC Championship Game, while Auburn, Alabama, Arkansas, and Mississippi State--heck, everyone but LSU and Ole Miss from the West-have made the trip. "Air Bud: Golden Retriever" would probably control the West if only real geography was as convoluted as Ray Goff's financial settlement. Rumor has it that Vince Dooley has sought admission to the SEC West for Georgia on the grounds that Athens is the "birthplace of Western Civilization," and not "Eastern Civilization." But, with Athens firmly planted in the soil of east Georgia, Mutt Lange is stuck finishing third each year, and 1999 will be no different. Quincy "the Coroner" Carter could be performing an autopsy on the entire conference, if only he had a decent running game behind him and a defense that got the most out of its players. With all the talent UGA has it its disposal, the potential is there.

Okay, as we head for #4 in the East, I want you to visualize that trench in the ocean floor from the end of Jimmy Cameron's "The Abyss." Got it? Imagining the stygian depths, so great the pressure could crush solid steel? Okay, with that amazing dropoff in mind, we go to:

4: Kentucky:

"The Mummy" did pretty well at the box office this summer, before being dislodged by Star Wars. Similarly, Hal Mumme had a nice couple of years before Cleveland drafted his Star QB. So now we find out if Hal can coach, or if the "new, improved Kentucky" is just a "Phantom Menace." Directing a high-powered passing game without a high-powered QB will be much more difficult. UK has used the Couch years to recruit better talent all around, but the defense will be mediocre at best and the offense will be worse, with a new trigger man, new O-Line and new receivers. While the top of this division is pretty lofty, the bottom is pretty darned deep, and with Vandy and USC lurking down there in the Marianas Trench, UK at least stays out of the bottom. Thank goodness for small favors...

5. South Carolina:

Excuse me, but what in the world is Lou Holtz doing at South Carolina? From gazing up at "Touchdown Jesus" and "We're Number One Mary" and "Run Up the Score Joseph" to herding a flock of free-range chickens in the mighty SEC East...! A year ago, who would have predicted that Lou Holtz would be coaching in the SEC and Terry Bowden wouldn't? And Lou doesn't exactly have a lot to work with over at the Chik-Fil-A Dwarf House. If Holtz wins the East with this team before he retires, they should send him straight to the Hall of Fame. Will he make them better and more competitive? Yes. Will they catch up to the Big Three in the division? There's an outside chance, if Holtz stays five years and recruits well. If USC plays LSU, will a single pass be thrown the entire game? Possibly, but more likely it will be an errant lateral pitch. How well will Lou take a yearly hammering by Florida and Tennessee? That's the most interesting question of all... and it could have him looking for the backdoor out of the KFC.

6. Vanderbilt: