2 Daves 2 K:
'93 Alabama vs '99 South Carolina
and the Hijinx Which Then Ensue

by Van Plexico & John Ringer
With a cast of... well... probably too many!


KEITH: Whoa, Nellie, sports fans-- this is Keith Jackson, live at Legion Field in Birmingham, Alabama, welcoming you back to the action in tonight's matchup between 1993 Alabama and 1999 South Carolina.

BOB: And it hasn't been pretty, so far, Keith. This 1993 Alabama team features a lot of talent from the previous year's national championship squad--

KEITH: Their SID was saying earlier that it was their 287th championship, Bob, including the 43 they claim from before they actually fielded their first team, and the 37 awarded through a bizarre editorial mix-up in a 1926 issue of Ladies' Home Journal.

BOB: --against possibly the worst team in SEC history, last year's 0-11 South Carolina Gamecocks!

DENNIS MILLER: Holtz's efforts last year looked more like Reconstruction than "rebuilding." By the time that season was over, the Cock faithful were ready to impeach Andrew Johnson again.

BOB: Who the--? Dennis Miller??

KEITH: Whoa, Nellie! It looks like we're being joined in the broadcast booth by none other than the new Monday Night Football guys!

AL MICHAELS: That's right, Keith-- and just in time! It looks like the Tide is about to score again!

BOB: Keith, I'm confused. If one of these teams is a '93 squad, and the other is a '99 team, how are they--?

KEITH: Just keep quiet there, sonny. This is a Two Daves entry. It's not supposed to make a whole lot of sense.

DAN FOUTS: OWWW! Bama has just scored again, with backup QB Brian Burgdorf waltzing in from ten yards out, untouched!

BOB: But--it makes no sense! It defies all logic! How can these two teams from different years be--

KEITH: Bob, don't make me whip your pansy ass again. Sit down and shut up.

BOB: But--!!

[Keith takes out a strap and gives Bob a severe hiding.]

BOB: WAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

DENNIS: Ouch! Man, that was rough! I haven't seen an ass-whooping administered like that since the Prussians beat the French at Sedan! Bob, your ass is redder than Bubba's after Hillary found out how he and Monica were "defying the Cuban tobacco boycott" in the Oval Office!

BOB: That's it! I can't take any more of this! This isn't clever football prognostication-- it's a farce!! This is one year too many of these insane multi-year matchups! Curse you, Two Daves! CURSE YOU TO HELL!!! [slams door]

DENNIS: Jeez, what was that guy's problem?

DAN: He's just mad because you know more about football than he does, Dennis.

AL: Don't mean to interrupt, guys, but we do have a football game going on here.

KEITH: But not much of one, Al. The two teams are headed into the locker rooms with the Tide ahead, 173-0. Dan, what do you suppose Coach Holtz will say to his men at halftime?

[Cut to: the SC locker room, where Lou Holtz is meeting in the corner with a shadowy figure wearing NCAA credentials.]

LOU: Now tell me again, Smithers. Who is that coach of the other team?

SHADOWY FIGURE FROM THE NCAA: Homer Stallings, sir.

LOU: What a pathetic figure, Smithers. Dig up some dirt on him and his team immediately.

SHADOWY FIGURE FROM THE NCAA: Yes, Mr. Holtz.

LOU: [evil laughter] Excellent.

[Cut to: The Alabama locker room, where the '93 Tide team, leading 173-0, is preparing to come back onto the field.]

SHADOWY FIGURE FROM THE NCAA: Coach Stallings, we have just concluded an investigation of your program, and have discovered that almost every Tide player in history was either paid, drugged, or blackmailed into playing for Alabama. Fourteen more had agents while they were still in middle school, and an additional 47 of them signed deals with Satan.

COACH STALLINGS: D'OH!!!

SHADOWY FIGURE FROM THE NCAA: As a result, Alabama will have to forfeit this and every other game they've ever played. Likewise, you will have to forfeit any other games you play for the next 35 years.

COACH STALLINGS: D'OH!!!

KEITH: Whoa, Nellie! According to Bama's own records, that would make UAT's record a staggeringly bad 0-1257-22!!!

DENNIS: Wow-- suddenly South Carolina's 0-11 record seems as impressive, by comparison, as Roy Kramer's Stalin-esque iron grip on the reigns of power in college football!

AL: It looks like the Bama players are refusing to come back onto the field, guys. They've broken down in tears in the locker room and seem unconsolable.

DAN: Who can blame them? It's not officially, mercifully over yet, but Bama will get the loss--yet another for the season, with no wins-- and the Gamecocks will finally win a game!

LOU: Excellent.

KEITH: Well, whaddaya know? The players won't come back out, but the Bama coaching staff-- and fans from the crowd-- are suiting up!

AL: The ref seems unwilling to let the two "Tide" detergent box guys carry their sticks onto the field. But at least they got to keep their elephant noses.

DENNIS: Man, look at "Mean Gene the Dancing Machine" out there! I haven't seen a withered body shoved around like that since that Iranian funeral crowd pulled Ayatollah Khomeni's body out of the casket. But Coach Stallings is working hard out there. He's sweating more than George W. Bush at a geography exam.

BEANO COOK: Yes, Dennis-- this game reminds me of nothing so much as the 1919 matchup between Army and Navy, where Notre Dame prevailed in a 3-3 tie. In fact--

DAVE MAGEE: That's it!! That's enough!!! No more of this crap!!! STOP RIGHT THERE!!!

DAVE SWANGER: For years now, you two guys have subjected us to your overly-long, reference-laced little parody plays...

DAVE MAGEE: ...But now-- NOW!-- you go and pull Beano Cook out of retirement. That... that is the LAST STRAW!!

DAVE SWANGER: Yeah. I mean, you've really beaten poor Beano to death.

VAN: If only that were true!

JOHN: Hey, blame Van. He comes up with the really silly parts of this. I'm the respectable side of the duo.

VAN: Hey! HEY!! Wait a minute! You-- you-- yeah, okay, you're right. Sorry. [Hangs head in shame.]

DAVES: SO STOP TYPING, YOU DUMBASS!!!

VAN: Okay. Wait, one more thing:

***THE END.***

WADE: Thank goodness they left me out of this thing...