[editor's note-- after weeks of on-line debate over the Carol Danvers situation in Vol. 3 of AVENGERS and the "Live Kree or Die" storyline, Sean McQuaid contributed this summary/satirization of the "whole shebang." So, without further ado:] The Richard Stanton Players present... THE CAROL DANVERS STORY! by Sean McQuaid JARVIS: Morgan Le Fay is soaping the windows of Avengers Mansion! Y'all come a-running! [Roughly forty Avengers assemble in response to the summons.] BEAST: So are you Ms. Marvel or Binary now or what? CAROL: Does it matter? BEAST: Oooh, snappish. [Pause.] Does this attitude have anything to do with us failing to prevent your abduction, mental manipulation and physical violation by Marcus the Bearded Wonder a few years back? CAROL: Bite me. [Morgan is thwarted. A bunch of Avengers take off to check out a bank robbery.] WHIRLWIND: I'm robbing a bank! Fear me! HAWKEYE: Hold it right there, Whirly, or face the fury of a Perez group shot! WHIRLWIND: I'm too fast and there are too many of you! Nyah-nyah! [Whirlwind escapes in the confusion, during which Carol blows off Machine Man's hand.] MACHINE MAN: I'll never play the piano again! CAROL [in best Urkel voice]: Did I do that...? [Later, in the lab...] CAROL: I wanna be an Avenger again! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna! BEAST: I'm a mutant, not an iguana. But why do you want to join the Avengers again anyway? All the bad blood-- CAROL: That was hundreds of issues and several writers ago. Bygones. BEAST: And besides, darned if your powers haven't wasted away to sub-cosmic levels. CAROL: Knew that. Don't care. Keep quiet. Must appear to be supremely powerful, or I won't fit in with heroes like Captain America & Hawkeye. BEAST: Okay. But what'll they call you? CAROL [muttering to self]: The Slosh, Booze Babe, Hoochie Mama, Liquor Lass, Lady Lush, Drunk With Power... BEAST: Excuse me? CAROL: How about Warbird? BEAST: The Warbler? Isn't that the super-crook Tigra ate last week...? [Later, at the bar...] CAROL (sung like the opening number from Oliver!): Booze, glorious booze... IRON MAN: The Elitist Bastard Membership Selection Committee will see you now, Carol. CAROL: Iron Man! I was...ummm...just doing my bit for the Teen Brigade's annual bottle drive! Yes, that's it! I sho nuff hates liquor, massuh shellhead! IRON MAN: Ummm...right. [Later, as the founders discuss candidates for membership...] CAP: USAgent? THOR: I say thee nay! WASP: Let him back in? As if! That'll be the day. Like, the same day we elect Rage chairman. Right, Hanky-Panky? HANK: Right as rain, cuddle-muffin! CAP: The Falcon? IRON MAN: Jarvis doesn't like cleaning up after Redwing. WASP: Crystal? IRON MAN: Jarvis REALLY doesn't like cleaning up after Lockjaw. CAP: Black Knight? IRON MAN: Jarvis HATES cleaning up after Strider. CAP: Right. Well, Carol it is, then! WASP: Yeah, she's never once gone on the rug. IRON MAN: We're going with Carol? [Pause.] I am...troubled. CAP: What's the problem, Tony? IRON MAN: I...can't say. Yet. Bad vibes. THOR: Fie upon't! Hath she cooties? Explain thyself! IRON MAN: Never mind. CAP: Okay then, she's in! CAROL: You like me, you REALLY like me! [Later, Carol and Cap battle combat training robots together...] CAP: Nice moves, soldier! But why didn't you just power up into Binary form and blast the hell out of everything? CAROL: Gotta go! CAP: Hmmm... [Later, the Avengers battle the Squadron Supreme. Hyperion and Power Princess tag-team Thor and knock him around for a while.] THOR: Verily...*ugh*...the Odinson...*urk*...longs for the days...*aghk*...when he was...*arrgh*...bulletproof... CAP: Warbird! Power up into Binary mode so you can save Thor from Hyperion & Power Princess! CAROL: Binary? I don't need no stinking Binary! [Gets swatted like a fly by Hyperion.] CAP: What the hell...? THOR: Not...*ack*...not in the face...! [The battle ends as the Squadron resuces the hostages they and the Avengers were fighting over, and the Avengers retire to their Mansion, where they try to cope with the Squadron's charges that the current Avengers are fakes. Carol and Wanda are snacking in the pantry.] WANDA (to the tune from Anne of Green Gables musical): Ice cream, is anything more delectable... CAROL: Booze, glorious booze... CAROL & WANDA (simultaneous): Want some? CAROL & WANDA (simultaneous): No thanks. CAROL (muttering to self): Holier-than-thou cow. WANDA (muttering to self): Must fill aching void with Vis--I mean, Sim--I mean, chocolate... AML (sobbing from off-panel): Dammit--now we'll NEVER see them in a hot tub together! [Later, in the quinjet en route to Project Pegasus...] CAP: Now see here, young lady, about your Binary powers... CAROL: You hate me 'cause I'm a girl, you mean old patriarchal authority figure, you! CAP: What the hell...? IRON MAN (whispering to Cap): Ixnay on the ecturelay, apCay... CAP: I just don't understand you people anymore. WANDA (muttering to Thor): We had a word for people like her back in Transia: bitch. HAWKEYE: Would somebody...*cough*...please make Warbird...*choke*...stop burning her bra? *hack* I can't pilot the quinjet in all this smoke... CAROL: I am woman, hear me roar... [Later, at Project Pegasus...] CAP: Project P, Project P, let us come in! CORRUPTOR: Not by the hair on my indigo chin! CAP: Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your... CAROL: Jenkins! JENKINS: Carol! CAROL: Remember how I beat you up and stole your lunch money? JENKINS: Do I! CORRUPTOR: Well, any friend of Jenkins is a friend of Project Pegasus. Make yourselves at home. Smiles, everyone, smiles! CAROL (in sing-song voice): I got us IIIInnnn, I'm so CLEVerrrr... CAP: At ease, soldier. [Later, the Squadron Supreme attacks. Cap spars with Skylark while Warbird fights Power Princess...] POWER PRINCESS: You're a pale imitation of Ms. Marvel! CAROL: You're a pale imitation of Wonder Woman! SKYLARK: Ick, I'm fighting a boy! CAP: Ick, I'm fighting the love child of Hawkman and Black Canary! Need any help, Warbird? CAROL: Screw off! CORRUPTOR (in the Wagnerian style of Elmer Fudd's "Kill the Wabbit"): Kill the Avengers, kill the Avengers... CAROL (whips off Corruptor's rubber mask): Behold, Avengers! Project Administrator Don Knotts is really...The Corruptor! And Jack Tripper isn't gay! CORRUPTOR: He's not? [The Squadron Supreme, freed from his control, start slapping him silly.] Stay back! I know karate! Urk! Akh! Oog! AIIIEEE! CAROL: Pretty clever sleuthing on my part, huh? CAP: Nah, everyone knew Jack Tripper wasn't gay. And what's up with your Binary powers anyway? CAROL: Trying to get rid of me, eh? Well, I'll fly off in a huff and that'll teach you! IRON MAN: I'll stop her-- CAP: No--let her go. She hasn't done enough damage for me to court martial her yet. IRON MAN: You and your FREAKING court martials... CAP: Hey, this spandex routine is my life! A guy's gotta have SOME hobbies... [Later, at Carol's house...] CAROL (singing to self): Memories...light the corners of my mind...misty Tom Smith-colored memories... IRON MAN: Anybody home? CAROL: Why, it's Iron Man! Don't mind me. I'm just depressed over being raped by Marcus, losing my Binary powers and having no emotional ties to my past life. IRON MAN (flips open his faceplate): Hi, I'm Tony Stark! You may remember me from such drunken binges as "Tony Does the Grapplers" and "The Violation of Willie Lumpkin". CAROL: Ah-HA! You're a drunk so you think I must be a drunk, too? Well my powers keep me sober, so get out! IRON MAN (with Herb Tarlek deference): Okay-fine. [Later, Tony's on a business call at Power Source when Warbird suddenly bursts in and attacks him...] CAROL: Tony Shtark, betchoo feel yer a cool exec with a heart of shteel... TONY: Warbir--*ack*-- THE KREE [bursting in through the door]: No one expects the Spanish In-Kree-sition! [Fight ensues in which Carol & Tony quickly rout Kree soldiers.] TONY: Warbird! Help me save these civilians! CAROL: Be vewwy, vewwy quiet! I'm hunting Kwee! [flies off after retreating Kree forces and gets captured] [Later, at the Kree concentration camp...] CAP: Heeeere I come to save the daaayyyy... CAROL: Oh Captain, my Captain! CAP: Waittaminnit...where the hell are my Avengers? CAROL: We don't need 'em, coach. We can tackle these Kreeps all by our lonesome! CAP: You didn't call the other Avengers? Dammit, those guest shots could have really helped my solo book sales! And besides, it's dangerously irresponsible to grandstand...BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah...you're just trying to impress me but it's not working...BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah...a commander needs to be kept abreast of his troops' abilities...BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah...always eat your vegetables...BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah...don't run with scissors...BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah...is it just me or is my chin getting bigger and bigger?...BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah-BLAH-blah... CAROL: Could we save the lecture for some time when hostile aliens AREN'T torturing civilians and trying to kill us...? CAP: Don't make me take you over my knee, little miss! And it's my comic, so I can talk as long as I want. CAROL: I'm gonna get those Kree! [flies off in pursuit of Kree and gets captured] CAP: Rescue the civilians first, Warbird! Warbird? Don't fly away while I'm talking to you, young lady! [Later, in the Kree stronghold on the moon...] THE KREE: We're gonna use your unique genetic goodies to smurfily mutate the human race, you pathetic drunk, you! CAROL: *whimper* QUICKSILVER: Pietro to the rescue, you pathetic drunk, you! Just stay out of the way while we fight the Kree. CAROL: *whimper* QUICKSILVER: Sit! Stay! Good drunk. [departs] CAROL: Is that booze over there? Looks like booze...that's good enough for me! *Glug-glug-glug* Ahhhh, that'sh the ticket! Look out, Kree! Here comesh Warbler! No...ummm...Warbucks! War Bond? No, wait, I know thish one... QUICKSILVER: Warbird, no! CAROL: Warbird, right! I'm Warbird! And I'm gonna blasht thozhe Kree from here to the Ultraversh...! [Warbird blows up the Kree's doomsday weapon but badly injures Lockjaw in the process.] LOCKJAW: *whimper* QUICKSILVER: You hurt my doggie, you pathetic drunk, you! CAROL: Hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few legs... [Later, at Avengers Mansion...] AVENGERS [singing lustily]: What shall we do with a drunken Warbird early in the morning...? CAROL: Grrr. CAP: Warbird, you stand accused of being a pathetic drunk. And since I already know you're guilty as sin, Thor gets to chair this court martial. Share the wealth, I always say. CAROL: Grrr. THOR: Warbird, thou hast been a great Avenger in the past, but now 'twould seem thou art a pathetic drunk. Hast thou anything to say in thine own defense? CAROL: Grrr. THOR: So be't. Iron Man, commence tattling. IRON MAN: Well, I hate to bring this up, but I saw her acting suspicious at the bar on the day she rejoined, but... CAROL: Why you--! THOR: Button thy muttonhole, drunk! Continue, Iron Man. IRON MAN: ...what I was about to say, Carol, was that I didn't blow the whistle on you then because I didn't have any proof. So there. But later on, you attacked me in a drunken rage and abandoned endangered civilians to chase the Kree. CAROL: Grrr. CAP (raises hand): Ooh! Ooh! I saw her abandon endangered civilians, too! And she didn't tell me about her fading Binary powers! And she wouldn't listen to my speeches! CAROL: Grrr. QUICKSILVER: That's nothing! She went into battle stinking drunk and nearly killed my doggy! What are the Avengers coming to, anyway? Next you'll be letting in mentally unstable mutant terrorists with histories of criminal activity... CAROL: Grrr. THOR: Accusations most grave, indeed. Thine answer, Warbird? CAROL: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! So I made a few mistakes, hurt a few people and I have a drink now and then; heck, Boris Yeltsin does the same thing and they let him run one of the biggest countries in the world! I'm a great Avenger! You people are nuts! You're all against me! THOR: All in favor of canning yon pathetic drunk? AVENGERS [after misgivings from Iron Man, Hawkeye & Wanda]: Aye! CAROL: You can't fire me, I quit! [storms out] WANDA: I've got the nastiest guilty sensation of deja vu... CAP: Suck it in, Wanda--there's evil to battle! [Later, while the Avengers battle the Kree on the moon, Warbird tries to fly to their aid but goes splat in the gutter after failing to ascend beyond Earth's atmosphere.] CAROL: I...I've fallen and I can't get up! [Later, in a bar...] CAROL: Say...maybe I *AM* a pathetic drunk! [Carol runs out into the street and merrily tosses her mask up in the air.] CAROL [singing]: I'm gonna make it after aaaaaaalllllllllll..... LOCKJAW: Meow.